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Dear Cathedral Community,
In this season of transition and discernment, as we
continue the work of calling a new dean and stepping into new
opportunities, I want to invite us to reflect on how we live
together—not just what we do, but how we relate, respond, and lead
ourselves within this community.
We do not enter this moment untouched. In recent
years, we have lived through much—together and apart. The pandemic
reshaped our rhythms and relationships. Seasons of civil unrest and
the ongoing struggle for racial justice have stirred deep questions,
pain, and hope. The metro surge and its ripple effects have added
strain in ways both visible and unseen. Alongside these shared
experiences, each of us carries personal stories of loss, resilience,
fatigue, and change. All of this lives
within us as we move forward.
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Family systems thinker Edwin Friedman offers a helpful and
challenging perspective for such a time: the health of any community
does not depend primarily on fixing problems or changing others, but
on the presence of well-differentiated people—individuals who are
grounded, clear about their values, and able to stay connected
without being controlled by the anxiety around them.
Friedman is direct about this: anxiety is
contagious—but so is clarity.
Scripture echoes this wisdom. Jesus teaches, “Let your
‘Yes’ be yes and your ‘No,’ no” (Matthew 5:37), calling us to clarity
and integrity. He reminds us, “First take the log out of your own
eye” (Matthew 7:5), inviting self-awareness rather than blame. And he
instructs, “If another sins against you, go
and point out the fault when the two of you are alone” (Matthew
18:15), guiding us toward direct, honest relationship instead of triangling.
In times of uncertainty—especially when layered on top
of collective and personal strain—systems naturally become more
reactive. We may look for quick answers, align ourselves in camps,
avoid difficult conversations, or place pressure on leaders to resolve
discomfort. These responses are understandable. They often arise from
real experiences of disruption, fear, or injustice. And yet, they can
also reduce our freedom and limit our capacity to move forward
faithfully. Like Peter stepping onto the water (Matthew 14), we can
lose our footing when fear takes over—but Christ calls us to trust
and steadiness even in the midst of
uncertainty.
Instead, Friedman invites us into a different kind of
freedom—not freedom from responsibility, but freedom within
relationship. As the Apostle Paul writes, “For freedom Christ has set
us free” (Galatians 5:1)—a freedom to live with intention, courage,
and love.
Here are some patterns he helps us name:
Healthy, Life-Giving Behaviors
Staying grounded and calm, even when others are
anxious (“Be still, and know that I am God” – Psalm 46:10)
Speaking clearly and directly, without over-explaining
or blaming (Matthew 5:37)
Taking responsibility for one’s own thinking and
choices (Galatians 6:5)
Remaining connected to others without needing to agree
with them (Romans 12:18)
Leading self before trying to lead others (1 Timothy
4:16)
Unhealthy, Anxiety-Driven Patterns
Reactivity—responding quickly out of fear or
frustration (James 1:19–20)
Triangling—pulling others into
conflict instead of addressing it directly (Matthew 18:15)
Blame and criticism in place of self-reflection
(Matthew 7:3–5)
Over-functioning or under-functioning (Exodus
18:17–18)
Seeking control instead of trust (Proverbs 3:5–6)
Friedman reminds us that maturity is not about harmony
or the absence of conflict. It is about the capacity to remain a
non-anxious presence—someone who can stay steady, thoughtful, and
connected even when the system around them is not. Scripture names this
as well: “God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and
self-control” (2 Timothy 1:7).
This is especially important in a season like ours.
The call of a new dean, the hopes we carry, and the questions we hold
can heighten our shared anxiety—particularly when it rests on top of
all we have already been through. But they also offer an opportunity:
for each of us to grow in clarity, courage, and spiritual groundedness.
The work before us is not simply to “get through” this
transition, but to become a community that embodies a deeper
freedom—one rooted in faith, shaped by love, honest about our wounds,
and sustained by the Spirit.
Each of us contributes to that.
As we continue forward, I encourage you to notice your
own presence:
Where am I reacting, and where am I choosing?
Where am I seeking control, and where am I practicing
trust?
Where am I called to speak clearly, or to listen more
deeply?
We do not need to be perfect. But we are invited to be
intentional.
And as Friedman would remind us: when even one person
becomes more grounded and less reactive, it can begin to shift the
entire system.
Thank you for the ways you are already showing up—with
faith, honesty, care, and commitment—in this season.
Grace and peace,
Tim+
The
Rev. Timothy M. Kingsley
Provost,
Saint Mark's Episcopal Cathedral
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